As I grew older, the elders of Orange Hill made sure that I knew all there was about me before I came to full knowledge of who I am. I was informed of the very month that they took me to be christened, the day they took me, 10 months old, to be christened. As Ms. Mag Gordon would stood up to become my godmother, the day the order of my life would be change. I was told this, that as the priest took me in his hand, he stopped in an abrupt manner that had the entire church in awe. Father Knight would call Ms. Addie who was the Elder of the church, Redawny Catholic Church to stand up and come forward. In his hand was a blessed child, a child sent by God, and from God. A child already filled with gifts of the Spirit. Thus, I was anointed with the "Holy Oil from the Alter: Ordained." Father Knight would become my God-father and Ms. Addie my God-mother. Such was my consecration from birth, that no evil could come upon me, to touch my body.

Twenty-nine years later, I attended a revival up at the Mt. Airy City Mission with Aunt Maude and Sister Hermin. This February of 1990. While in the church, the Bishop who was visiting from Montego Bay got up to pray. Suddenly, the Holy Spirit came over him. He stopped. I was standing in the audience. He called me. As I stood there, curious to learn what he wanted to say to me, perhaps about my jewelry that I was wearing at the time, I would become taken aback with his words and admiration to the church, as he looked out the window and over towards Inez Russell yards. His exact words were: " People, let me tell you something; You see who God bless, can no man curse. He repeated this three times. Then he looked at me and say: "You have a special Gift that God wants you to start using. And when you do, he will start blessing you. Can no one holds you back."

It's mourning time! It's reaping time. I cannot understand the love-hate, the obsession that Ricky Jackson hold for me. I cannot understand the same that his father Jimmy Jackson holds for me. In 1990 -1996, after seeking the assistance of psychologists on the matter, in their conclusion, it all boils down to one thing.

In 1990, Derrick came to me, actually he spotted me by Cassie's gate as I had gone looking for apples. There he would asked me to do him a favor; the favor was , " Please can you give Ricky a second chance; he's hurting." My mouth fell wide open. I was about to ask Derrick, what drugs he was on at the time, instead, I change the words, that is, turn the same words around and asked Derrick. I asked Derrick, " Is that what you wish for me, [as in] knowing the pettiness, the nastiness, the evil, the news-carrying-carry-go-bring-come mess, the embarrassing moments, that Ricky feels come comfortable amongst." Der, [Derrick Hogg] my friend could not answer me. Derrick who loves me in his own way, even after our could one-nights interlude, could not answer. Cassie stepped away and shook his head. I could not believe my eyes, that indeed, Derrick was there, pleading for Ricky. Just this past week, 2005, it suddenly hit me: Blood is indeed thicker than water.

Ricky had swore in 1990, that "if he couldn't have me, then no other man will be able to have me, that he would see grass growing on my grave. "That Sunday afternoon, the entire Orange Hill people heard him, as we drew crowd. Why? Why especially when he is with the woman he wanted to be with, Inez Russell daughter, Carlene. Why hound me? Why?

Sister Burzella, told me her story. A few weeks after I had lost the baby back in 1990, I was on my way to Myers house, to get some plums. Sister Burzella saw me. She had called me over. I was shock when she asked me the latter:" Can't you give Ricky a boy pickney?" My mouth fell. It was as if someone had stuck a knife in my stomach and heart. Sister Burzella looked at me as she watched my face go pale. She knew me all too well; I cannot lie, and not to her. I told her this, which was the truth: "I was pregnant for him, but my Grand-Aunt, Mum, came and took the baby." Sister Burzella looked at me, and as I watched the tears in her eyes, she told me her own story. "I believe you" were her next set of words. "I believe you that my mother, came and took the baby." Your Mother, " I uttered sharply, as in no, it cannot be. She' was my grandfather aunt; our Mum, The Mum, who I loved and who loves me, Dear Sweet Mum." In a calm sweet, loving reassuring voice Sister Burzella comforted me. We were close relatives, and I didn't know. Yet, I had to hold all my other questions until she was finish speaking. I have to listen to her; Sister Burzella, as she would pour out her heart and her own pain, of seeing some history repeat itself. (Unedited)

"It was a year and a time, when Jefta left me and went down to Logwood bottom and began fooling around with Florence. He left me here with the children. He came up a few times, to get clothes and to fight me. I was pregnant, when my grandmother and his came and took the baby. I dreamt them coming, and even as I had asked them, not to take the baby, they did. They did it to punish him. So, I believe you my dear; that's my mother that came; that's my mother; she wasn't about to put up with any nonsense even in her death.

Sister Bursella continued: " Ricky is damm out-of-order, and should be behaving himself; look what I had to go through to raise him by myself. Jim never send a dime, a nickel, a farthing from the day he left to help with the children. The day Daisy dropped them children off, and curse me, I took the two of Jim children in and raise them. Me` sister (cant recall properly here] took Janet, and me stay here and 'batta-batta' with Ricky meself. But, baby hush, God knows best, and me mother wouldn't have done it, if she didn't think that it was going to hurt you."

Later as I told her about he Fallen Angel she would wept bitterly. There she had another story, her own experience. Sista Burzella told me this: "Baby, people here set Fallen Angel on Katie and [cant recall if she said Stormie or Thelma] and Jefta and I had to run with them out of here before them dead pon us. We went through hell in here, so I can't imagine what you going through."

I felt bad after telling her, as I was sure that this woman would weep to death. I comforted her, in telling her to see, "see me` that I was ok.Sista Burzella had come looking for me, as rumor had it that I was mad, gone crazy. I laugh, as I told her how I was doing, and that all was well with me. That I was actually limiting people I talked to, even a simple greeting of the day, so people of course will come to that conclusion about me. Upon my leaving Jamaica which was a secret in September of 1990, I went and told her. She would keep her mouth shut. She loves me; she always has. I had comforted her, when news came that Clive died on the ship he was on. There's always something about a child; a child's comforting words. Somehow, she had held on to mime, the dearest. We loved each other. She had loved my father. My father was good to her daughter. My father protected her daughter in England from Bully's beating. She had and hold a lot of respect for daddy. I had promised her, that Ricky and I wouldn't fight anymore. I don't know as to why she wanted that promise from me. I gave it to her. She said to me: " Mum, I am begging you; I don't want you and Ricky to get into anymore [verbal] fights. I want both of you to live good, to love each other." Perhaps, I will never really figure-out the latter words, as I don't know if in her heart, she had assumed that in the end, I would have given Ricky another child. I don't know. I think now, in death, she knew I cannot be held accountable anymore.

I know she [Sister Burzella] dislike Jimmy with a passion, and of which she took to the grave with her. Sista Burzella knew about the rape on me by Jimmy back in 1979. I know Lyton told her. I know Lyton went to her. I knew it had upset Lyton, and even while he wouldn't speak of it to me, seeing I wouldn't speak of it, that it had upset him enough to had gone and tell Mamma. Mamma [Sista Burzella] same to me and asked me, and I told her that I was ok. She told me that it wasn't ok. So, in 1990, when she asked me, as to what started the fight between Ricky and I, I told her, in that Jimmy had gone and told Janet that he was in love with me, and Ricky stole me from him. The words came after, as you can imagine:"That worthless rass-hole, that@&@&^&?! Jim don't love a fucking sole but himself;that@&@&^&?!.... got away with murder, and then this, that @&@&^&?!.." She went cussing all the way over to Una's house. I left.

On too many occasions, I have gone to the Jamaican Police. I have given them my statements. I will no longer be that victim. I deserve to be left alone, to live my life free of threat, from both the sneaky crafty subtle movement of Ricky, and from Jimmy Jackson. However, all my complains to the Jamaican police; it seems as if Ricky and Jimmy was to act worst. Make no mistake I can understand why. I was visiting the Negril Tree-House in 1997, and there was our very own Prime Minister, Mr. P.J. Patterson with a young boy, no older than seventeen having a good time with the him on the beach. Therefore, when Jimmy and Ricky claimed that they were untouchable by the Jamaican government proved who indeed made strange bedfellows.

In so many ways, it may appear as if I am bashing Ricky. However, I am not. I am simply trying to make a point and my feeling known publicly. I wasn't the only actor in the play. There were many side-man, line-man, you named it. Even my dearly beloved Grandmother played her part, and came to pay for it, in her untimely death as she would lay there and starved to death, while in a diabetic-coma for over a week, nine days to be exact. The forces of evil would block me from getting her the aid she need, just so she could have passed this lifetime in dignity. I wept for her. I grieved for her, so much so, that I find it impossible to get on an airplane with been properly medicated. I can no longer come to Jamaica, and going by the house, as I can no longer set foot in the house, without fainting. Nevertheless, if I have to tell it all, for it is time for me to put down the burdens of others, to live my life, and to love the people who love me.

In 1990 Grandmother did not want me to be with Ricky. Ricky knew this, even though he didn't quite say the words openly to me. It wasn't that Grandmother did like Ricky, it was that Grandmother was looking out for Carlene, and with the help of P, she did. Grandmother loves her cousin Doc, Ellis Bell. They were friends for life.

Thus Grandmother was always the peacemaker between Doc and Irene. Grandmother and their cousin Maude were the only two persons that could talk sense into Mass Ellis when he gets angry. He had a wicked beating streak to his children. For years, I didn't like him, after he beat 'Um' his daughter, then pushed her in a crocus-bag, and threw it down the hill. As we cried out, Grandmother and others came running. When Um, known as Doreen Bell were pulled out of the crocus-bag, blood was coming out of her nose and ear. I cannot ever forget that human evil act of mass Ellis. I was only four years of age, yet it was something that would haunt me in years to come.

Most people as do the people of Orange Hill are not aware of the mix-up history that we shared. Grandmother Emma is from the Bell family Clan as well. They are from Mt. Airy, as set of Jewish People mixed with Indian. Ricky had money and there were opportunities for Carlene, who Grandmothers sees, need the opportunity. After all, I already had made it out of Orange Hill to foreign, and so, she Carlene needed her opportunity. Carlene Russell and I do share a strong resemblance, and all because of our Bell' bloodline. I could see why Ricky had a liking for her, as well. After all, Ricky claimed to have had a huge crush on me from the time that I was twelve years of age and going to Mt. Airy School. Only, I was too young, and wouldn't know it, or remember, as, he was always too busy, trying to 'feel-up' his close-cousins from Orange Hill, on their way home from schools'_ extra-lessons, taught by Teacher Crooks, back them.

Thus amongst the `news-carrying' Grandmother indirectly did her path. This would later come to haunt her, as she began suffering for it, ten years later. You see, one never know when the time of time dictates that you pay for your sins. Grandmother would lay dying for three month with what appears to have had bronchitis and pneumonia from December 2002 to January 29, 2003. I would arrived in Jamaica, to see her, lying there, after the doctor had told her daughter to take her home, so she can die in her own bed.

As I rushed from the Airport, straight to the Hospital in Sav-la-mar, hoping to catch life in her, I behold her. I began to cry as the nurse held me. Aunt Ger would leave the room. They were all shock to see me, as the plan was for Grandmother to have died, and I am not there, to not be told, to not be present. As she laid there, with tubes in her nose, and her arm, I reached over and touched her face. I spoke into her spirit. I say her flint. I spoke, slowly; then she began to move. Then I saw the tears. I knew she was listening. I continue to speak into her spirit, asking her to not die, as I had come to release her. I came to tell her, that I had long forgiven her. The tears would fall from her eyes. My friend at the time, not husband as yet, had accompanied me down. I had begged him to come with me, with my son and us to Jamaica. Brad stood at the foot of her bed. She opened one eye slowly and then shut it back. Somehow, she cannot believe that I had come, indeed, I came to see her again. In 2000, I had told her that I would never come back, that she would never see me again. This was after Uncle Murphy had taken my son, promising to take the best care of my son. Instead, he would come to use up all my money on his girlfriends, and in the latter, abused my son. Then Uncle Murphy had the nerved to stand there in front of Grandmother and curse me like a dog. I was angry with Grandmother for not saying a word.

[Because] he was helping to support Grandmother financially, Grandmother kept her mouth shut. Thus, I had told her in anger those words and reminded her, that to be silent, is to become a part-taker of evil. That in the end, the persons who she thinks is going to be there for her won't be. So, it would come to pass. Thus this day, Grandmother had a lot of burden on her shoulder. As her eyes began to open wider, she looked at brad. She didn't ask me who he was. All she said, was "What about Ricky?" I replied; "WHO?" She looked at Brad and would not repeat her question. She knew that I have heard her, but was a-bit taken aback by her question. So, I began talking her to her amidst asking her to live, live for we can talk for awhile. There on what was suppose to be her last minutes, her deathbed, I told her that I had found a wonderful person, someone who was kind to me, that I love and who loves me and love Christopher my son; that we were happy together; that with Ricky there were too many disappointment and pain." Boy, was I shock by her question.

That afternoon, in the room, after all the doctors had given up on her, she came back to life, for me. A miracle took place. She began asking for something to eat. The nurses got scared, as she wasn't able to take solid food for months. She wanted porridge. Grandmother would live for us to take her home from the hospital. Suddenly, Aunt Ger and the clan of evil sisters' bitches were angry with her. How could she show her love for me? How could she show her feeling that indeed she was dying from lack of been able to see me. How could Grandmother still hold me so dear to her heart? Thus, the jealousy rages.

Yet, Grandmother would pay the final price for her role in my tears, my pain, and my suffering, back in 1990. I had asked her to not tell P my business, as she assumed it back. PO befriended her and so she took sides, and she who was to have protected me, abandoned me. The "he-say-she-say-them say" was what would help Ricky to try to go out and hurt me. The "he say-she-say-them say, Grandmother had and did become a part of. A town filled with small-minded people- small thinking uneducated people, people with already with pre-conceived thoughts, had set a path for me, too dangerous for me to trod. I was forced to carefully carve a safe path for myself. Whatever, I didn't want anyone to know; I kept it to myself. It was simple.

I didn't get much pity from Grandmother in 1990. As a matter of fact, she did ask me to leave her house. Uncle Gyle was on her back to not have me at the house. Aunt Ger was calling from the USA, telling her that I wasn't allowed to stay at the house. That she was aiding me in taking away Ricky from Carlene Russell, by living at the house with her and that I should leave. Then to make matters worst, Grandmother would accused me, with the help of Aunt Ludel, Uncle Gyle and his mother-in-law, that I am responsible for Irene bell and her Clan setting Fallen Angel on the house. Talk about catching hell from all different sides, I was. During this time, Ricky was also busy at work, working even possible D-Lawrence tricks on me, hoping to keep me in Jamaica.

Then one night, Grandfather showed up boldly, and warned Grandmother. She became fearful, and was convinced that Grandfather would take her life, if she didn't start support me, instead of attacking me. Grandfather would show-up night after night, boldly on his donkey as like a living person, ready to protect me. Grandmother knew she was in the wrong, that she must bend her ways. She who took me from the day I was born, took me from my mother, just so that the wretched little snake would not destroy herself fully, with her continuous adulturous love affairs with Barbie Vasscania. Mummy Dearest was already pregnant with my sister Paulette, when she arrived in England 1961, to her husband, my father. Grandmother and Grandfather, the parents would I know. Thus, Grandfather made his presence and feelings known to Emma. He was a determined Jewish- Indain Man.

We began working together on a plan. She would stop telling P my business and anything that could harm me and my leaving Jamaica, getting away from Ricky and all. Of a truth, I didn't trust Grandmother, yet for peace sake, we strive to get along in the house and I would tell her, only what I wanted her to know. She was happy that I had planned to leave Jamaica, allowed to leave Ricky and not have anything to do with him, for Inez and her daughter sake. She was happy that I planned to not have anything to do with Ricky, and so, with assurance, she would do her path. Were things that complicated around me? Yes, it was even a tie, a knot; this was a monstrous tangle. A set of very dangerous web, spiraling knots all around me. While it was laughable on many fronts; it wasn't. Sister Lucille would become robbed of her nightly sleep, praying for me, tarrying with me, interceding on my behalf, should my spiritual strength fails me, should I become weak and have to run out of the house in the middle of the night. For whatever, would come, could not physical touch me.

So, the day that I was leaving, September 20, 1990, my Grandmother Emma, wouldn't know anything until the very minute, when Aunt Maude took a good look at my face, and told the taxi to turn around, and have me say goodbye to her, that Friday morning that September 20, 1990. Grandmother would stand in the kitchen that early morning amidst shock and tears. She knew than that I had never gone back into trusting her. I couldn't. There is too, too many untold pain for me. Things that I had tried to erase from my memories.

In January 2003, as Grandmother lay there suffering, she had to make things thing right. She was bedridden, and without strength. The strong monarch of a woman, was now a child, helpless and without the strength. Grandmother did not like for Ricky and Ricky knew it, and hated her for it. Thus Ricky would visit the yard, late into the nights, to try to talk to me. I did my best then to avoid him, even as nights after night, he would and could be seen prowling the yard. One night as Ricky would climb up the back window, to peep into the room to see if any man was in there, he would come face to face with Uncle Murphy. I had tricked Uncle Murphy into sleeping in my room that night. As both men eyes would meet, silence followed. That morning, I would laugh my ass off like all the other times. I think that he didn't want Inez and Carlene to know either, and for sure, I wasn't about to allow him to disrespect me. He got away with a version of his behavior twice, and one when he had Marshall [Rinkle] to come and call me out of the house, only for him to come speeding around the corner by Irene Bell's to take over. Val Hogg saw us and I told him, Val, the truth the next day. I didn't keep it a secret either. "Whata bugger," said Val, with his very British accent.

Later Val would know and understand as to why Ricky got the big rock thrown into his priced-car, and why he ran for his life. For, for sure, I have had it with the harassment coming from not just him, but also from his girl. Ricky told me that Carlene was only good for sex, as "he liked the way `she wrapped her long legs around him'." I had wished him the very best of life and everything with her. Even though he had brought me to Jamaica, and then tried to abuse me, I still didn't hate him. Hate is a very strong word that I wish to be careful about when using. What pissed me off, is that he would leave me alone, even after it was clear that things wasn't going to work out between us, as he wanted his cake and eat it too, that indeed, like did not go like that. Well such was the reason as to why Auntie Lou called the Jackson Clan of Orange Hill: "Them Terrible Nine Hole-Breed." The English had called them, " The demons from hell." It was in Orange Hill that Heaven and hell would meet; them, and me for, for sure, he wasn't getting me on his terms. I wasn't budging. Why am I telling this? The bible warns about secrets. Secrets are dangerous work of evil. Secrets destroy. Evil at its best that must be exposed. It is unthinkable darkness that must be expose to light. Truth!

Any and everyone who knew me, knows this: I do not meet up with men after dark. If a man cannot walk through the front door by day, then by night, he cannot come in. This was my principle for living and I was sticking to it. I refuse to allow myself to become like the rest of young girls, to become `but-hole-jokes amongst young men' or otherwise, `one of the laughing-stock of the community.'

In life we make choices, and choices that we later have to live with. He Ricky chooses whom he wanted to be with. He made his choice known, openly. So, now its time to move on. You cannot have your cake and eat it too, as the old saying goes. You do not have the right to privately harass me, and by using unforeseen tricks of evil and intimidation. I did not tell you to go and join some evil 'lodge' and where-in you were egotistical enough to make pledges that wasn't solely in your power to keep. Therefore, I have no choice but to come out and expose you, and do so publicly and amongst our own people. Only then will the private torments stop. And as you will deny doing so, as before. The same goes for father, Jimmy Jackson. For I knew and was present when Jimmy took the crocus bag of money that had belong to Ricky, Challis, Honey, Salla and Jagan, and used it to benefit himself in finishing the Negril Tree-House Resort. I was present during a time, when Jimmy tried to hold me hostage, and through manipulation.

The truth be told, all of Orange Hill, Sensei Passe had shares in Negril Tree-house. None could look me in the eye and disagree. They would be more shock to realize that all along, I had mentally recorded the truth. Ricky later knew that his success lies in becoming a millionaire, was in him gaining from Honey yearly stolen ganja fields. When he was about to be caught red-handed, the thief he sent, got over 15 bullets and with his body found, discovered up in St. Elizabeth.

Honey's hand, those gifted hands, as his grandfather Kaya. Only Bob Marley could tell it, of the man's herb he would savored for years, and only in the reggae lyrics could he Bob give credit where credit is due, to a man who planted the weed from the early days of the sixties, who would package it, and Bongo Daley would ride with it, on his Honda 50, all the way to Kingston, to hand delivered it to Bob Marley when he couldn't come a country. Thus while all the gossips swirl, I never wanted Ricky for any of his riches, knowing the way he came into gaining it; off the sweat of my brothers back.

I grew up living in a big house. I ran away from living there. Material things never interest me much. Perhaps it was my grandfather's Norman blood in me, that `nothings bothers me' as was his motto about life. "I am a simple man," was his motto. Grandfather Norman lived a simple life. Old, Me-Pa, Tippins, Mass Norman, and called, "Markie" by his dearest cousin Sista Burzella, had always believe that `nothing should bothers the mind." Such was his thinking coming from his Jewish and Indian Bloodline. It was easy to see and believe that I had taken off of him and in wanting he simply life. Few understood me. Few knew me. The little girl, that little baby that Ms. Emma and Mass Norman took from the mother at a young infant age, and raise as if she was their own. It would come as no surprise, that the environment in which I was fostered as the infant and into `the formation of a personality', would thus made me the person who I am and had become.

There are times when we will find ourselves praying for the enemy. Not that t we wants to, instead we feel a need. To the rest of the world would wouldn't quite understand, its hard to explain. Here I will explain a few things. I had prayed and asked God to not let the child die, because of the parents sin, and as to the seed that they had sworn. I asked as I knew that Ricky wouldn't have rested. That Ricky was determine to go out and revenge anyone he knew that he could use to get to me, and to hurt me. Ricky wanted to go after Derrick's son. He wanted to go after Derrick's love child. So, off he had gone on 'target shooting practice' with Derrick, just to pick his mind, to find out what he could from Der. After all, Whitey and everyone who would come to know, had teased the situation, as indeed I had already expose some 'confidential information' about myself, that indeed Derrick was 'better fuck than he, Ricky was,' contrary to his believe, that I have had some 'best sex' from Derrick some years ago. For the record as well, this is no secret, as my husband knew all about my private affairs with Derrick back in 1979 and 1980, the times I slept with Derrick.

Ricky's believe that it was Derrick who drove me from Orange Hill that night May 13, 1990, after I had thrown the big rock in his prized car, that he would have set out for blood; Derrick's Blood. I actually did not encounter Derrick until months after when he would ask me if it was true that Ricky had drew his gun on me. I told Derrick that it wasn't true. 'Cause that was the truth; he did not.

I did not have any personal dealing with Derrick. Derrick, in 1990, had recently gotten married, and it was my wish for him that his marriage work and that he and his children would prosper and do well. We respected each other and ourselves. I took some comfort in knowing that if Ricky should make the mistake of going after any of Derrick's children as a form of revenge, that he knew all too well that Der would shoot him. What Ricky did instead was to cleverly goes after another Hogg; Leon Hogg.Link

I am writing this, as you will read this, and know that I don't know that it is you. You think I do; but I don't. Only you, Leon and God know who you are. All I would like for you to do is to go to Leon's mother and tell her the truth. I am forever mindfull that you are not that type of a person. Instead, you are cruel and evil.