Chapter 7- Life is not always what its adds up to be

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=151 BGCOLOR="#006699" TEXT="#080000" background="0c3085a3.jpg"> <div> Jamaica~Noamie's Negril.Com </div> <div> <IMG SRC="2fe58010.gif" border=0 width="600" height="1" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"><FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#CCCCE4" FACE="Eurostile" >    </FONT><FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FF66FF" FACE="Desdemona" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>West Cliffe:</B><FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FF99FF" FACE="Pristina" >The Place I Called Home; The Place I walked Alone</FONT></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=210 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" background="0c4d2e83.jpg"> <div> <I>Negril: The Place I'll Rather Be</I><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FF66FF" FACE="Arial Narrow" ><I>...</I></FONT></div> <div> Jamaica ~ Negril </div> <div> <A HREF="id48.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="My BookWest Cliffe"><U>Home</U></A> </div> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id88.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Chapter 24 Take The Name of Jesus With Y"><U><B>Chapter Twenty-Four</B></U></A><FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FF66FF" FACE="Desdemona" >  </FONT></div> <div>  </div> <div> Chapter  One</div> <div> The Road That Got us <A HREF="id19.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Chapter 1 A Star is Born ... The Road T"><U>here </U></A></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=329 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <I>Chapter 7- Life is not always what its adds up to be</I></div> <div> <B>West Cliffe </B></div> <div> <B> Life is not always what its adds up to be: ~50</B></div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Chapter Seven</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><U><IMG SRC="1c678780.jpg" border=0 width="120" height="120" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B></div> <div>    </div> <div> <B>My friendly loving spirit, my beauty and the love all seek to hold. My sisters and cousins covet my very smile. My unmaterialistic persona had inflamed many. To some, or to many leaving Paradise is for financial reasons. For me, it was to preserve my life. The police told me that they were not equipped to protect me, and therefore it would make them happy if I leave the country, my own county, the country I called home, the country of my birth, the place I love more than life. Each visit, I make concession, I having to go through "moments of compromising" just so that I can enjoy the place I love most dearly. I have become my own protection, trusting no one, but myself. I learn to hold no fear. Life is for living, and I intend on living it.</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><U>Life is not always what its adds up to be: </U></B></div> <div> <B>Looking beyond the surface, life and every family has its own share of troubles. The question here, then is, what is confidential and what is private. I have always been an outspoken person. I never take sides in disputes. My desire in all things is to be truthful, to remain truthful. And so if a family member is looking to find 'unhealthy behavior' in me, they knowing that they will not find it, will move on to others. I having 'O' tolerance for stupidity, as well as knowing right from wrong and dealing with it. My family knew me from birth and even as a child, I would refrained from getting into the middle of the things that were 'not right' so to speak. </B></div> <div> <B>How can one reaches that plateau without getting attack from jealous or otherwise 'group thinking family clan?' One don't. The circle of life, the family battle that always trickle-down upon someone, some weak link in their eyes. </B></div> <bR> <div> <I><B>From the Corners of my Mind;</B></I><B> I looked.... </B></div> <div> <B>Tells of my own struggle in a family filled with jealousy. Deep jealous that in 1990 almost cost me my life.  As I was to board a plane leaving Jamaica in 1990, it was my own mother who made the fatal call that could have stopped my leaving Jamaica, escaping from an affair that was not pleasant for me, and from a man that seek to hurt me, only in his own way. Why? </B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><U>Winning!</U></B><B> </B></div> <div> <B>It's easy. I have a clean and pure heart. I see truth for what it is. I will not hesitate to point out truth. My spirit is free. I had never burden myself with the materialistic things of this world. And so there are no shackles on neither of my feet nor my mind.</B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>West Cliffe - </B></div> <div> <B>Chapter Seven </B></div> <div> <B>Life is not always what its adds up to be: 51</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I><B>From the Corners of my Mind;</B></I><B> I looked as my sister Doreen, built herself a 10 bedroom mansion and tried to steal my son from me. At first trying to bribe him with gifts. From the same corner of my mind; I looked to see my mother as she attempted to do  the same. I Looked! </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I knew. I smile. My innateness told me, reminds me that there's God, a higher power that reminds me that I am rich in understanding, in wisdom, and with all I need. </B></div> <div> <B>I smile! </B></div> <div> <B>What beauty~ </B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><U>Understanding: </U></B></div> <div> <B>Now if and I say if, one chooses to believe a liar over me, then the consequences will be there. It is what cause and effect is all about? Let me explain something here. </B></div> <div> <I><B>Intellectual understanding </B></I><B>are that which are taught at School, College or sometimes on the job, and from teachers and professors who had studied beyond the basic, thus entering into a higher realm of understanding. Thus when someone says that they have a Doctoral degree in such and such that is what they are talking about. </B></div> <bR> <div> <I><B>Spiritual understanding</B></I><B> is that which are spiritual. It is what the higher supernatural powers entail. It believes in God. It is trusting in God. It is acknowledging, of a surety that a Living, Spiritual, God exists. Even when your physical, human eyes cannot see him. Thus this clearer understanding comes from God. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Now I having listened to people who clearly state that they do not believe in God. Yet upon their bed of affliction, they are calling out to God, and for spiritual people to come and pray for them. As a child that had puzzled me. So when I was a child, and I address these things, people called me `mean' saying that I was cruel to say such a thing that that sick person need to stay there and suffer into submission. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I have yet to see an intellectual genius talk him or her self out of death or sickness. Noticed, I wrote death first, as with sickness comes death and if a man feels that he can talk himself out of anything, the first thing that will come out of his mouth is "I don't wanna die." Noticed, he or she will '</B><I><B>NOT</B></I><B> say', I don't wanna die, they never say, I don't want to be sick. Therefore, the sick person is only seeing death, and not the sickness. Were they able to see the sickness, then they would not be saying; " I don't wanna die. " Instead they would be saying and or asking: "Well, what is this that has come upon me? And what can I do to prepare myself?" The answer do not lies with them, instead, they have prayed a prayer in a deep spiritual way, seeking wisdom and knowledge something too deep for them to understand at a moment in time and place. Such is Wisdom; such is spirituality/spiritualism. What is Wisdom?</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>West Cliffe</B></div> <div> <B>Chapter Seven</B></div> <div> <B>Life is not always what its adds up to be: 52 </B></div> <bR> <div> <B><U>Cause and Effect:</U></B><B> </B></div> <div> <B>My best friend, at least that's what she was, betrayed me, behind getting her niece free meals for her wedding. Then when it was all over, like a snake she came crawling back. The root of all of this: Jealousy.  Did I say Jealousy, for it is of the same blood that runs deep in her vein, the same that poison my father.</B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>Was I surprised? No! Like a lamb in sheep clothing she too came, like a lamb in wolf clothing she left. I knew them all too well. That is why I walked alone. Me been at this wedding (physical presence) would have taken away from all of them, my sisters, my cousins, my best friend et al, the "man's eyes" that they all wishes to attract. Looking back, and even at the time I had to laugh. If only they would or could understand the dynamics of what lies between us. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>My sister Doreen and my cousin Juliet were all part of the conspiracy.  I would learn to trust family even less. My eyes would become open even more to the jealousy all around me. Even as Ricky would asked that I meet with him and him telling me what was said in his presence the summer of 1987 at the planning of his cousin wedding, the wedding he was paying for. The realizations of his mistakes and with Marlene confronting him about me came full circle. He knew of the plots against me. Again; I smile, as I always win. Doreen and I have not spoken to each other, since that summer of 1987. While I hold no anger or animosity against her, it is my belief that I should run from evil, and at all cost. Things had boil-over from  daddy's untimely death and would lead up to this moment. Somehow, I cant win for loosing. I tried not to loose.</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><U>1996- It's Easter </U></B></div> <div> <B>I return to Jamaica in 1996, after not going (again) for six years. This time, I was not alone. I took my then two year old son with me, my only child that is. My girlfriend then, the one I had for 30 years before I separated myself from her, insisted that we go up to Negril Tree House to the beach. Yes, the beach is beautiful up there. She had her two children plus one of her neice's with her. I was not in the mood to argue with her, knowing what I know so I went along. No sooner had we got to the beach bar when Jimmy showed up. A cousin, Niah was at the bar. Both of them spotted my son for the first time. Jimmy saw him and got upset. His remarks to me was: "I didn't know you wanted any children." I looked at him, caught my composure very quickly and them reply to him by saying: " Jimmy, why don't you introduce me to </B><I><B>your</B></I><B> little son." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Niah looked at me as shock was registered all over his face. I was glad that Niah was there as Jimmy stares were too much. I could not just leave as I did once before, when he had express his anger of my showing up on the property with a male friend. After all, he had long since been married, having receive my blessing, (one that he inwardly hate coming from me). Yes, I always smile when I wish people like Jimmy all the best. I always do, then watch as their world come tumbling down around them. Perhaps that is where people always imagine me been mischievious. </B></div> <div> <B>If some of you have become confused in reading all of this, then know this; you are not alone. So am I.</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>West Cliffe</B></div> <div> <B>Chapter Seven</B></div> <div> <B>Life is not always what its adds up to be: 53</B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Ms. Bertha: Noamie, you are enjoying all of this. I would truly hate to be your enemy. Your powers are too powerful for me. You know Noamie, I always sense some sort of an (ura) around you when I am in your presence. I can always sense when you are around. The room could be fill with people and for some reasons or another, your spirit, if I may call it that would draw me to right where you are. I think you sense it too. I always watched even over all the many heads in a (the ) crowd, as you would look up and smile. Is that some kind of a magical spell around you. You do know what I am talking about? </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Noamie: Ms. Bertha, Knowing God, the Powers of the Most High God plays the role in that. I am only a vessel. I guess that that is the reason as to why we are having this dialogue here today. And since you wanted me to speak in English (not the Jamaican dialect that I favor these days); see how easy I am, I grant you your wish. </B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><U>Going Back to 1978</U></B></div> <div> <B>The year was 1978. Jimmy had asked his brother Lyton to take me to come and see him. He owed me money from working there. Finally, after three month, and enough nagging from Lyton, I agreed to the visit. He asked me why I left.  In my mind, I knew what he meant, even without him using the proper  English Language. I did not reply. He knew the answer. To me that was a stupid question. Dawnie and Sandra the other two girls that worked in the office were happy to see me. The groundkeeper the security guard were all happy to see me. Ms. Doris was also happy to see me. Dawnie and Sandra had asked me to stay awhile and with them. Then they ask that I could come home with them as a gesture that I was not going to take off again and they would not see me anymore. I agree. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>That night, after they close, I was asked by Jimmy to go into the back office and make sure that the register balance, while he see to the rest of the bar and restaurant getting locked up for the night. Actually, the girls had to wait on him as he is the one that at 2.AM would drive then up to Tigress Road where they had rented the two-bedroom apartment. I had no problem balancing the register. I came out to find the place in darkness. The only two people left on the property were the ground man and the security guard who stated to me that Jimmy said that I was not leaving. He would force me to spend the night there, once again with him. </B></div> <div> <B>The next day, I left, and without a word, I planned not to return, ever. I guess he had answer his own question. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ms. Bertha: But you did went back in 1982. Why? </B></div> <div> <B>Noamie: Yes! My brother wanted to go up there. I was home, back in Jamaica, and I was going to be on my way to Germany for the next three years. My brother was dating another girl that works up there, plus, he and the girls has always been friends, so I went along. Of course, I was holding no grudge and other people's problems were not mine.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ms. Bertha: You did meet with Jimmy. </B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>West Cliffe </B></div> <div> <B>Chapter Seven</B></div> <div> <B>Life is not always what its adds up to be: 54</B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Noamie: Yes, he asked me to come to the cottage next door and speak with him. He had called on the interline from his cottage to the office. Most of the staff were new and so to avoid any embarrassment, I went. I knew nothing would happen. It was there that he told me that he had met this Black American girl and he thinks he liked her alot. I told him that I was happy for him. However, I could tell that that was not the answer that he was hoping to hear from me. I had refused to grab his bait. I knew him all too well. I saw how and what he did to Mervelyn, the little thirteen, then sixteen year-old 'ghetto girl' who he took from the girl's grandmother, up in Montego Bay, and used and abuse. I had felt so sorry for her. He had ruin her. </B></div> <div> <B>However, I did not want him, and the refection was clear to everyone, except him. I did not want him, and it was too clear to see. And so inwardly, my weapon, my only weapon against him was working. I knew the hold that I will away have over him; that he will always fight to control me. </B></div> <div> <B>I will always make him angry, even without trying. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ms. Bertha: Noamie, don't you think that the man may have been in love with you and wanted to make a difference. Why did you hold, it appears to me, someone else's pain and hurt against him. Do you see the connection there, again? </B></div> <div> <B>Noamie: Yes, he made mentioned of that in 1997, however, I couldn't have care less. I don't think that I am capable of loving anyone in that regards, and so I never try to lead him or anyone elses on. It is important for people to know that 'you' cannot force anyone to love you, if they choose not to. And that was my choosing. </B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>West Cliffe</B></div> <div> <B>Life is not always what its adds up to be- </B></div> <div> <B>Don't Hate Me- I'M No Puppet: Truth and Reality: 55</B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>"</B><I><B>I Never Promise you a `Flower Garden, only a Rose:"</B></I><B> </B></div> <bR> <div> <B><U>Don't Hate Me- I'M No Puppet:</U></B></div> <div> <B>Back in 1990, I was living in Jamaica, and I was pregnant. I knew that I would have serious complication. The man I was pregnant for ignored me. Well the rumor came from my mother, my own mother that I was barren, that I was womb less, that back in Germany, I had my womb removed, and therefore, I was not able to have any children. So in my early pregnancy, this man did not believe me. He took my mother's and others words over mine. Well only a mother would know those things about her daughter. Wrong! My mother knows nothing about me, beyond the hurt she always tried to inflict upon me. Therefore, the man made the decision that he would leave me. Who needs a barren woman? Furthermore, this man's dreams were all shattered by this news, as he had for many years set his eyes upon me, and as the bearer of his children. After all, I came from a good family, a family that would uplift him in status. This news shocked him. </B></div> <div> <B>The man in his own way felt very sorry for me, Or at least from the looks of things.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The truth is, that was not true. I had suffered with endometriosis. When I was a child I contracted " German measles." I was lucky to be alive, as my friend Mel Smith died. Thus, the consequences of the disease had left its mark. I got it corrected after years of physical pain. The nurse at Manning's School, my high school, use to come to me, and remind me that when my menstruation day was due to begin, to come to her, and she would have an automatically day of absence for me. That way, I can stay home and cry from the tortuous pain. Sometimes the pains lasted for three days. Disappointed in me, the man distracted himself. He was not psychological equipped to dealing with the news. I bore my pain. I even smile even after I had lost his child. </B></div> <div> <B>……………</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>In 1994 when I gave birth, all around me, were shocked faces. First, of all, I took my therapist words. Yes, as I was looking for direction, unbiased opinions, I went to seek the aid of a therapist. She told me to disappear, to leave, and to venture out all by myself. And so I choose a town that was so far from all my family, that coming to see me, coming to be nosey in my business, would have been a distance thing. To some extend, I was wrong as the bitches still travel to find me. (You can smile. I do)! </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Yes, I kept my pregnancy a secret. I wanted no stress. So when the news hit, too many became shock. I didn't have to tell my brother Honey that the news my mother had given to him in 1990, was a blatant lie. I showed him. I didn't have to tell Ricky that what he was told, causing his girlfriend to come laughing at me, was a lie; I showed him. He looked upon my son. 1996 as I attended a cricket match with my baby at Royal Park, Carlene wanted to fight me. Her stance was that I should never have returned to Jamaica ever, as my presence in my own country, my own hometown was a threat to her. I should have been dead, much less been able to live and have a child. A few days later, Ricky would have demanded that my child should have been his, fathered by him. What a joke, only it wasn't a laughing matter.</B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>West Cliffe</B></div> <div> <B>Chapter Seven</B></div> <div> <B>Life is not always what its adds up to be: 56</B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>"</B><I><B>I Never Promise you a `Flower Garden, only a Rose:"</B></I><B> </B></div> <div> <B>Furthermore, faith/fate would have its way wherein my son was born on his birthday. For whatever reason I went into labor and was in physical labor for three days. Then the doctor waited until after midnight was to do the C-section to my having this baby. So I knew it to be fate. It was now the same man who would look upon me with eyes of shame, of hurt and of things that were too deep to talk about. "</B><I><B>I Never Promise you a `Flower Garden, only a Rose</B></I><B>," would have been my answer.   </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Then the questions began coming. These damn people are never satisfied. Or perhaps, it is me who could never do anything right. I got blamed for not giving this man a child. The truth is this man came to me, asking me about having another child. I said no. You see, in life, there are cause and effect. So when his son was born from this girl, the child was born with a serious heart defect. Now, read carefully here, least your understanding in that of a fool, or even an intellectual fool. In my hours of affliction or what it has appears to have been, I was laughed at, and jeer by the very persons who should have been reaching out to me. However, since "materialistic gain" was at the core of this thing, I was deemed a defective commodity. Now, I was never a person seeking materialistic gain, ever. And so, that was what had set me apart from most to all of my family, and people around me, even so-called friends. Women, who desire to compete with me, whether for the attention of a man, are only competing with themselves. It is and had always been easy for me to take myself out of the picture, to disappear into the unknown so that "objectively" I am not a challenge or a threat.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><U>The Effect</U></B><B>: </B></div> <div> <B>Having said all of this, the effect upon me was not without its own set of faults. To be able to reach out and touch 'pain' is something that the human self cannot always do. I said, 'always', as there are times when the human aspect of us, can reach out and touch 'pain' depending on the pain itself.  Thus the effect cause me pain.</B></div> <div> <B>When this man came [back] to me, in 1996, and after seeing my son, I automatically felt pain for him. He was feeling ashamed for what he had caused himself to have become back in 1990, when I needed him the most. Here he was in pain, from his own doing. Now, all his cousins and friends were now laughing at him. </B></div> <div> <B>I had my child; my son. I wanted no more children. Therefore, I put in place all the physical things that would create the barrier for my not having any more children. Seeing, I made my point. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This goes back to my mother, and the lie she told. Well, lies destroy lives. Lies go deeper than intellectual understanding. The consequences of cause and effect. People ask Ricky over and over as to why he wasn't angry to the extend of been angry that I had smashed his car. Having told him at the time to have his girlfriend to leave me alone, and he wouldn't. I was serious, as what she was claiming wasn't true that I was a barren woman. So he paid the consequences. He knew it too. That was mean and cold. And so he took his loss, knowing that he had contributed to what had befallen him. In his own way, in a disguised manner, he took his revenge, or at least, that is what he though he did. Yet, he would gain no satisfaction. Need I say more. As I told you before, I always win.</B></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><U><IMG SRC="1c678780.jpg" border=0 width="120" height="120" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></B></div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>